Colorado (or, “Snow, Skiing, and Super People”!)

It seems to  be a pattern. I arrive in Colorado where the weather is beautiful and in the 70s, and the next day a major snow storm hits. Not sure if the state is trying to welcome me or keep me out, but either way, it sure makes things interesting.
Javier and I arrived in Colorado Thursday night. Patrick and his girlfriend Kim picked us up from the airport and we went to a march-madness-showing :) microbrewery for dinner. Friday morning Javier and I headed to Golden to pick up rental gear and run some errands, and we ended up at a sports bar that was showing the Wisconsin-Wofford game. (Wisconsin won – hooray! We won’t talk about Sunday’s loss to Cornell… ).  Patrick finished work and joined us in watching the end of the game, and then we met up with Aaron, who had just picked up Justin from the airport. We went out for Mexican and had a great time catching up, drinking margaritas, and catching snowflakes with our tongues.
Saturday morning we all met up and headed out of town. A few hours later we arrived at our launch point in the Never Summer mountain range. We unloaded our gear, tested our avalanche beacons, and headed in. On the yurt trip were (left to right): me, Patrick, David, Javier, Laura, Aaron, Andy, and Justin.
(Background: Patrick, Aaron, Justin and I were part of “game night” in Appleton several years ago – before Aaron and Patrick ended up out in the Boulder/Denver area and Justin ended up in San Francisco. Laura is Aaron’s fiancée, and Javier is a current Appletonian game nighter. David is Laura’s brother and Andy is Aaron’s brother).
Our stay this year was in the Clark Peak Yurt – a tad bigger than last year’s. We settled in a bit Saturday night, with some of the guys chopping all the wood we would need (and more!)

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and the rest of us enjoying the break from schlepping packs up the mountainside and a general release from access to the outside world and the gajillion things we all have going on in our “real” lives.  Laura and Aaron made shepherd’s pie for dinner (yum!) and we all played Up and Down the River (aka Oh Heck… or other names). Javier won.
After a half-way decent night’s sleep for most of us, we headed further up the mountain – this time with lighter packs. Here is the view from the yurt of where we went – to the right side of that “V” of trees at the top of the photo. We wanted to visit Ruby Jewel Lake, but due to concerns about avalanche safety, ended up taking a different route to a beautiful overlook. Visibility was great, and we ended up eating lunch, hanging out, and generally having a lovely time. From there, some of us headed further up the mountain (actually made it to the tree line at around 11,000 feet!), and others opted to start heading back. 

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All in all, the day included time to “play” (at least - that’s what it would be if we weren’t too grown up for such nonsense) including Andy and Aaron trying to start an avalanche from above, with (unfortunately?) small success, a few blisters, a sprained thumb (Aaron had to ski the rest of the trip with only one pole :( not an easy feat), a few near encounters with trees in the big fluffy snow, snowball fights, random flips in the snow, exploration of a promising snow cave, some fun photography, and all around good times. Oh – and some exhaustion!

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Sunday ended with Patrick’s delicious ratatouille, more hanging out, and more card games – this time Up and Down the River and two simultaneous games of Euchre.

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What Javier Wrote in the Yurt Journal
3/20/2010
Today is the 20th day of our discontent. Andy has eaten most of Aaron and no one can convince David to wear pants. The women have escaped to the outhouse. I smuggle them food when able, but I’m afraid Patrick has discovered my occasional absence. It’s been three days since anything has been heard from them. Our plan to catch dinner by running after it really fast has met little success. Justin has finally captured the rock that has tormented him for nearly a week, but the operation suffered several casualties. Rafael, Bruce, and Dean performed heroically during our entire ordeal. Their sacrifice has given some hope to those of us that remain. I’ve asked everyone to meet at the table for “Up and Down the River.” Hopefully, it reminds us of the civilization we left behind, and brings some sanity back to this god-forsaken camp.
Tell my kids that they’ve always been a disappointment to me. Alfalfa, Ripple, Twinkle-toes, Javier.
Monday morning was head-out-and-down day. We packed, cleaned up, set things in order, and headed down the mountain. It was great fun to have the skins off our skis and enjoy (except for the uphill bits) the fun part of all the hard work going uphill earlier. After re-loading everything in the vehicles, and piling our smelly selves in as well, we headed out of the mountains.

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The fun in the snow wasn’t done (for everyone but Andy & David) - Tuesday was downhill skiing day! After showering at our respective places Monday night, we packed up again and headed for an overnighter in Breckenridge. 
Laura’s mom Pat has a home there, and graciously allowed us to crash at their place for the night. We were within ski-boot-walking distance of the lifts, and were able to get an early start on the beautiful slopes. Pat’s boyfriend Lance volunteers as a ski instructor for skiers with all sorts of disablities, and not only did he get free lift tickets for the out-of-state-ers (me, Javier and Justin), but he also volunteered to instruct me 1:1 in the fine art of downhilling! His friend Joe is apparently a world-class ski instructor, and by the end of the morning, I felt heaps more confident on the slopes. No more “purple flurry” for me :)  It was Aaron’s birthday, so we all had lunch together and sang to him before hitting the slopes again. Hooray for another year of Aaron being around! Yippeee!
After lunch, I was ready to be with the “big kids”! Well – sort of. Aaron, Justin and Javier took on the Imperial (a crazy bowl-skiing adventure which requires using the highest ski lift in the country – it’s above the tree line!). It wasn’t made any easier by the complete lack of visibility and quantities of ice on the run – they came back with big eyes and wide smiles. Laura had decided to snowboard for the day so she would have fun on the same slopes that the “newbie” would be on, and Patrick was working on some slower telemark skiing moves, so the three of us stuck to blue (intermediate) runs until we met up with the other three.
Justin had to get back to the airport Tues. night, so we said our goodbyes to him, Laura and Aaron around 2:00. Such awesome fun people… hope it’s not too long till we get to hang out again. Patrick, Javier and I decided to stick around till the lifts closed at 4. Both of them were willing to play around on the easy stuff, so we stuck to blue runs for the rest of the day and (from my perspective anyway!) had a fantastic time. Downhill is so fun – and even more so when you half-way know what you’re doing!
The day ended in a rather unfortunate manner. It had been snowing pretty heavily at times throughout the day and traffic out of the mountains was so backed up that we didn’t get back to Patrick’s place till 11 when we (in normal conditions) would have made it by 7:30. Boo!! Javier had to be at the bus stop by 3 AM to head back to Appleton, and I had to be out before 8, so it would have been nice to have a relaxed evening to regroup and pack – but somehow everything got pulled together and we both made the shuttle bus back to the airport by the times we needed to be there.
I’m now on my way to North Carolina for the next bit of adventures, but if Colorado wants to keep me out in the future, it’s going to have to do better than a few snow storms to keep me away!

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Full set of pictures, just in case this wasn't enough!

a March-ing in

I’m in Colorado at the moment, about to embark on another Yurt Trip (<—check out that link for a description of what we’ll be doing!). So I’m going to try to cram a few updates in before we leave – please forgive if this is a tad scattered!

First, I went up to Amy & Tim’s 2 weekends ago for a lovely time of sleeping, talking, hanging out, and what might be the last of Wisconin’s x-c ski season for this winter. Amy and I got out on the After Hours trail and had an amazingly beautiful time in the north woods. It’s so nice to go and be with them and have a pause in the midst of the busy-ness.

Then last weekend weekend, Dan was planning to come for the weekend – and he did, but it was rushed and crazy. He was supposed to fly into Appleton Friday night, and didn’t end up getting in till Saturday at 4 – and that was into Milwaukee! Grrrh! There were so many sca-fuffles with airlines and connections and baggage it could have been discouraging – but we really did have a nice time Saturday evening and Sunday till he had to fly out. And in the middle of that – I bought a kayak! Dan and I had planned to go to Canoecopia in Madison (a big paddling expo) on Saturday, and when his flight was delayed I headed to the expo for a while. I wasn’t looking for a kayak, really, but I’d been wanting one since I had first gone paddling in like 2002. And the nice thing about renting and borrowing lots of boats through the years is that I think I have figured out what I’m looking for. This one was less than half of what I would have thought I’d be paying for the kayak of my dreams – so we’ll see if I think that’s what I think it is once I get it on the water. Bringing it back to Milwaukee, then Appleton was stressful – it kept slipping – so didn’t make Dan’s Wisconsin entry any smoother :( but he was a good sport and eventually it did make it here in one piece!

Ok, we’re starting to pack up the cars – so more later!

Hello from March already

Hmm, realizing I haven’t put a “life update" out here in a while. Hello world! Let’s see, where to begin… Maybe pictures will best tell the story:
District Conference with the my church’s high schoolers in January

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Pool & Wii with Game Night Crew

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Super Bowl party with Bible study folks

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“Winter Camping”
OK, this one deserves an explanation. My college roommate Jocelyn & I planned on doing winter camping a few weekends ago. When it came right down to it, it was too much to pull together in the midst of busy lives, so Joce came to hang with me for the weekend! We decided to “go domestic” and work on knitting/crocheting projects. I asked Joce to help me figure out how to put together an afghan that Katie and I had knitted a while ago for Ray & Becky’s wedding (we won’t talk about how long ago THAT was), and she ended up helping me actually do it! It was a lot of work, but we did get out for a ski and for some coffee – all in all a lovely weekend. And R & B liked the end result – yipppeee!

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The winter has also included a few night flying trips with Javier, some other weekend trips to visit friends & family in various places, and heaps (though never enough!) of cross country skiing. I’ve had some perfectly marvelous times with my nieces and nephews, who are now 7, 5, 3, and 1 and sweeter and more precious than ever.
Oh, and I met a boy!
For New Year’s I headed over to Minneapolis to hang with Jen & Mustafa as I have for the past few years. This year we were invited to our friends Pete & Amy’s place to celebrate and meet their baby Aiden. Pete’s brother Dan happened to be visiting from Washington DC at the time, and we hit it off. Dan has now come to visit me twice, and I’m just getting back from visiting him for the weekend. Dan lives in Washington DC, so it will be interesting to see how things develop! Here are some pictures that hopefully introduce you a bit. He’s pretty amazing!

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All in all things are going well… later this month I head to Colorado for another yurt trip and then to North Carolina where my baby brother is getting married! Looking forward to good times with friends/family in both locations. I’m also starting another class this month (yippee!) and hoping to finish my first knitted sweater before too long. Fun stuff, huh? :)

hunger and thirst

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.

A while ago a friend challenged me about listening to sermons: do I ever really learn anything truly new or behavior-changing from them? After a lifetime of listening, is there anything now I'm ever really taught - that I didn't know already? It sparked an interesting conversation, but also some longer term thought.

Lately I've been going back and listening to Mars Hill's (in Michigan - Rob Bell is their main teaching pastor) recent series on the Sermon on the Mount. It's been fun to see how one after the other they've brought up thoughts I've never considered before. One such thought was on the verse mentioned above. Rob was teaching on the passage, and he talked about this not being about those who are already "righteous" – those who have got it all figured out. No, it's talking about those who hunger and thirst for it. These thoughts came up again recently as I read the following from the book Following Jesus Through the Eye of a Needle. Kurt Annan writes about living in Haiti and how he feels about being asked for stuff because he’s from the ‘States.

I feel occasional resentment. Why do I have to fend off this daily assault of need and requests when rich people back in the States never have to deal with it so personally, so in-your-face, so real, so everywhere? "Hey, at least I'm making an effort," I want to say, pointing a finger into the aggressive asker's chest. "Go bother the people lounging on those cruise ships! Or bother the people who don't even try to help!" But of course there's a chain link fence to keep that from happening -- and the Coast Guard patrolling the warm sea between here and Florida.
Trying to give through this fence, across this sea, is complicated. On birthdays we gave colorful stickers to the kids, which were a hit. We had a whole pack, but we just gave one sheet at a time since any more would have outshone the little gifts from others in the family. At the same time, they know we have access to more resources, and we don't want to be cheap.
We don't want to be seen simply as foreign patrons, reinforcing an unhealthy historic paternalism (combined with exploitation) that can lead to unhelpful relationships of dependency. We don't want to be seen primarily as giver-outers-of-stuff (whether food aid or cheap toys). But we also want to give everything we have, everything we could possibly get our hands on.
How to convey how complicated this feels? The "foreign aid" dynamic here is charged. I do know that when we've asked other long-term foreigners here for counsel, they've responded with phrases like "Good luck" or "Let me know if you find the answer" (pp. 47-48)

He captures so well the challenge of living in the most affluent country in the world and in the history of the world, and from that place SO wanting to be conscious of the world’s needs and in some meaningful (even if small!) way to help meet them.
Here’s where I’m at right now. I want so to be thankful. To notice often that I’m in no pain, not hungry, that I have a hot shower, that I can drive myself to work every day, that I live in peace, health, and security. I have opportunities – because of where I was born, my education, my job – that such a small percentage of people in today’s world or throughout history have had. It would be terrible if I didn’t at some level simply acknowledge that and just wallow in gratefulness.
I also want to be generous. Pretty self explanatory, right? But I do want those things I’ve been given – money, time, whatever, to be things I freely appreciate, and freely give. I would like to be willing to give to the point of discomfort, even, if/as it’s called for. This can be as simple as the “giving up a cup of coffee a day to sponsor an orphan” or into the more challenging realm of living on a smaller income so that I have more to share.
Unfortunately, those two desires don’t mesh together all that well, at least for me. How do I know when “enjoying what I have” has sunk into self indulgence and self centeredness? How do I ever know when I’ve given “enough”? I’ve talked to several of you and know I’m not the only one to feel a continual tension between the two.
That’s where the Rob Bell sermon really did have something new to say to me. I guess I just felt encouragement that there is blessing in the struggle. Giving is complicated: to whom? how much? how often? how careful should I be about the integrity of the recipient? All the “Haiti” questions above. What with being human and all, I so want sometimes to just have things clearly laid out. What’s the amount I should give/do to help, so that I can just do that and then have the rest of my time/money/life to do with as I like and still feel good about myself? Oh so the wrong question! Hungering and thirsting after righteousness means a continual process of listening, paying attention, being open, trusting, and knowing I’m loved.  Before the sermon, I felt that if there was struggling, I was in the wrong place somehow. Now I’m learning to see the struggle, the hunger, as part of the deal. I’m so glad that it’s a promise: that there really is blessing for those who hunger and thirst for things in this messed up world to be somehow, some day, put to right. Guess I’ll keep listening to sermons!
Oh – and check out this NY Times Op Ed article on a related topic – interesting! Learning from the Sin of Sodom.

an american in christmas

Golly I like this season. And not just the story of the Nativity! I love celebrating Jesus' birth, but I also really like many of the things we've "customized" about this season. I know I should be lamenting the commercialism and the distraction from the Real Story (and I suppose I do, to some extent), but I really love finding just the right presents for people, sitting near a lit tree, hearing Christmas music of all sorts (well, everything except the Charlie Brown Christmas theme), and baking/cooking like crazy to get ready for the fun of just enjoying friends and family to the utmost. I'm goal oriented, so I also like the motivation to pull things together, get things done, make things ready and welcoming. I kind of feel like it's a dirty secret, but there you have it.

At church last week they were reading the story of the shepherds being visited by angels in the middle of the night and I got to thinking about just how crazy that had to have been. If you’re like me, the story’s been told so often now that it’s hard for it to feel any more noticeable than wallpaper. But I just had this picture in my head of shepherds: real, live, ordinary people going about their real, live, ordinary lives, when suddenly WHAM! a Real Live Other is right there too. How much would it jar you to have an angel show up right next to you, right where you are right now? What defenses would you have to shoot up around yourself, what questions would smash through your brain as you backpedalled and tried to align what you were seeing and feeling with everything else you’ve experienced in life so far? People in the Bible who saw angels felt anything BUT casual about them. Try terror, speechlessness, and a huge sense dirty-ness and smallness in the light of such beauty and perfection. And I’m guessing we’d add stuff like doubting one’s own sanity, suspecting a prank, and other forms of skepticism. Yet Christians believe that supernatural events really did happen, in history.

That kind of experience just doesn’t seem to fit within the Western understanding of the world. Am I the only one that can easily lapse into codifying, modifying, tweaking, dumbing down, watering down, and reinterpreting the Story and the Person until they fit within my boundaries, affirm my life, and don’t make things too awkward? I know I have to work pretty hard at stepping back to real awe and wonder about anything that “other.” I love that the season reminds me of that gap… that faith is relatively pointless unless it’s actually about believing something. And that I can’t just tweak what I believe till it works for me and makes me comfy… that if God is real, and if Jesus is Divine… well, I'd better be feeling some serious awe, sometimes. Otherwise - I’m missing a major something about Christmas even in the midst of the lovely presents and food and family.

So blessings and “awe” to each of you, this Christmas. May it be the best one yet!

guns, germs and steel

In the book Guns, Germs and Steel, Jared Diamond hypothesizes that those who domesticated plants and animals early got a head start on developing technology, weapons, and immunity to germs. It's an interesting theory. While I have not myself knowingly domesticated any plants or animals, I must have forebears who did. So far this season I have not fallen to H1N1 or the flu (in spite of not being able to get the immunizations- lovely egg allergy!), I've had more fun with technology at work and at home than ever (we're planning all sorts of cool Web 2.0 stuff for next year and I finally have gps/internet/texting on my phone), and uh, I've used weapons to kill stuff that I plan to eat. That third item is not nearly as straightforward as you might think, but it is a part of my heritage, and I really feel privileged to be able to do it - so I think I'll tell you this year's saga. [picture: me sighting in my 30-30 last year at a range my step-dad Tim set up]

Our story begins back this past spring when an old gunsmith tried to teach a new gunsmith new tricks - with my "baby", a 30-30 rifle that I've hunted with since I was 14. They took it apart to look at it and put on a new scope for me. Once that was done it needed some planning to get it sighted in with the new scope because the shooting range around here is expensive and life is busy. So my friend Javier (he went hunting with me this year) and I headed to to Iron River, and planned while we were there to sight it in at a range that a guy just lets people use. (Un?)fortunately, some guys we met there noticed that the barrel was *wiggling* in the stock - (of course, after I'd wasted some ammo) so all the sighting in in the world would do it no good; it needed a gunsmith. Thankfully, that night we were visiting my dad's family, and my cousin Scott - a great person, and - conveniently - a gunsmith - took a look at it and tightened it right up. Unfortunately, the gun now needed again to be sighted in, so the only option was to do it back around here. It turned out that the weekend before opening day was the only one that worked for both me and Javier. Almost as soon as we were set up this guy - we'll call him Buzz - came up and started criticizing the way we were doing things (he meant to be helpful, but it sounded a lot like, "why are you doing that? why don't you just go do this? those f-ers [other shooters] are always doing things wrong here. What's with people putting this off till the last minute?"). After blowing more ammo and missing the target completely, Buzz asked why I didn't just go back and have "Fred" bore sight the gun. I didn't know there was a Fred, but I took him up on it. Fred was kind and got it all set up, so I brought the gun back out and STILL was completely missing the target. I think that's the point where I started to get really upset. I'm pretty serious about being a decently accurate shot (you just can't mess around with that stuff). Buzz doesn't know me from Adam, so has no idea that this isn't normal behavior for me or this gun, and he just kept picking on everything we were doing. Finally - after aiming exactly at the top of the target and hitting the bottom (but at least being able to see where it was going), trying to manually adjust for that and getting nothing but MORE criticism from Buzz, I headed back to Fred again. This time he bore-sighted inaccurately, but based on what I told him... and it worked. So now I'm within 4 inches at 100 yards, which is not nearly where I'd like to be, but for the kind of hunting I do, good enough. I was trembling and upset, so it for sure wasn't going to get more accurate at that point, anyway.
[picture: my stand, when Javier, Dean and I were checking it out last year]

People who think hunting is just a matter of meandering into the woods and blowing away at a myriad of living creatures as they go by should come along sometime. Our Saturday started with a super-early rise, being filled with waffles and coffee that Aunt Dar made (ok, NO complaints about that part!!), heading out to our stands before it started getting light, walking as quietly as possible for about a half mile to my stand, waving at my cousin Scott as I passed him in his stand, and climbing up and getting all settled in to... wait. And wait, and wait, and wait.
After a while it got light, and the woodpeckers started to work and the chickadees, ducks and ravens decided to let the world know they were around too. At one point I heard a rushing right on the tree behind me and realized that a squirrel had been at the top of it and had had to go by me to get down. I think he scared me way more than I scared him! I saw a few deer far off, and then I heard something to my left.
A small buck was going by at about 75 yards - and he was wounded. So I didn't have a great shot but since he wasn't going to make it I wanted to try to put him out of his misery. I shot twice and thought I hit him but wasn't sure. My cousin Scott had heard the shots so he came over and we found blood and were able to track the deer down. Another hunter, Jerry, actually put him down, and I ended up gutting and tagging him. I had bought a doe tag as Amy was hoping for extra venison this year, and I had asked Javier to take a doe if he had a clean shot (I really don't like killing things if I don't have to!) so just as we were on our way back Javier radioed me that he needed my doe tag! Turns out he'd had a nice clean shot at a doe at nearly 100 yards and had taken her with a minimum of fuss. After that I headed back to my stand. More waiting, a few more does going by, a bit of sandwich and hot cocoa, and more waiting. Probably around 2:00 or so I saw some does running along a hill opposite me. Another deer came down from the top of the hill toward them and all five deer started heading my way. And that other deer was a decent-sized buck! They slowed a bit as they got closer, and as the buck was around 50 yards away, he paused just long enough for me to squeeze off a shot. He didn't get much further than that - though he did make me nervous as I couldn't see him when he fell and a different deer took off from that spot. I would have felt terrible if I had wounded him. But he was dead when I got to him, so there was another one to gut and drag out! I wish I could say I got better at that with practice... the gutting, I mean. I didn't have to do the dragging (that's why you go hunting with boys!).

Many people I talked to about hunting this year didn't see a deer all day long - I'm wondering if the deer are getting over-managed. But Javier and I had good stand spots; we both got to watch a bunch of deer, many of them within shooting range. We both filled our tags, and just plain had fun being out in the woods. It's really a privilege to have someone like Uncle Dean to help get us set up, look after us, coordinate meat processing, and look after the land year-round. I miss my Dad most this time of year, and Uncle Dean reminds me of him. It's just good to have a place to go, people to go with, and traditions! Here's a picture of us, wearing our mean hunter faces.
And a note about "the killing of innocent animals". I hate killing things. I particularly don't like seeing them suffer. Since those things happen when we hunt, I might as well explain myself! I'm a big fan of eating venison: good, natural, lean meat. And since, if there is not herd control of some sort by humans, nature will do it herself in more brutal ways - disease and starvation - I'd rather get food that will be appreciated out of the deal. And aside from the actual killing there is so much that's fun about hunting. Hanging and playing cards with my cousins and Aunt Dar, hearing stories from the hunting crew, tramping about the woods doing drives with other hunters, thinking about my dad, sitting silently in the woods and just enjoying the beauty and wildlife... and the feeling of independence that comes with knowing how to use weapons to provide food that you and your friends and family will enjoy... ah! I hope our family never loses the tradition. So, let me know when you're coming over and I'll put some venison to thaw!

not all who wander are lost

[Pictures of the weekend]

Labor Day Weekend. I've been looking forward to it for quite a while: six of us heading up to Canada's Lake Superior Provincial Park to bask in the solitude and camaraderie unique to backpacking. On this trip: me, Jeff, Tom, Tammy, Javier and Jamie.
The below is paraphrased from Javier's description of the trail to our friend Jason (he didn't know I was attempting to transcribe his words as spoke!). This is illegal in 11 states.

<Mostly Javier >It turns out that not all paths are created equal.
This thing is insane in that on the eastern shore of Lake Superior there is a lot of elevation change, and they try to maximize your awareness of it as much as possible. Sometimes they have you rock climbing. Sometimes they have you climbing rock rather than walking trail. So when you're climbing you may or may not be moving forward. You're expecting from your experience with Colorado’s Rockies, Pictured Rocks, and Isle Royale, that you’ll do 1-2 miles per hour and in a full day you’ll do 9-11 miles. And here it' s just not possible. So when the ranger says it takes 4-5 days to take your planned route, you say yeah, if you're grandmas! If the Ranger hadn’t been Canadian her message would have carried more weight.
So there was a plan as we drove up. Tom got nervous about the whole thing, Javier was all gung ho. We compromised. but it turns out that even from where Tom wanted to start we wouldn't have had a chance. We started out early the second day, hit it hard, had a late lunch, and decided that there was no way based on our progress that we would make it. The decision was made to do the trail we'd just done back to our car and take it from there. Which worked out ok, we did it. We went out in 1 1/2 days and back. got all 6 of us (including packs!) in a Toyota Corolla and drove to the finish line. We camped there, and did a 2-hour packs off on Monday morning.

Turned out to be a nice trip. We saw a lot of things twice. The first time we were kind of rushed: we didn't take time to swim when we saw nice spot. On the way back there were plenty of stops. We found a sandy beach at one point. At another place there were these rocks that you could kinda sorta jump off if you were careful. It was neat.
It was crazy walking on all kinds rocks. and rocks of the same size would all be together. So you'd go from a field of gravel to a field of boulders. The worst were these bigger-than-softball-but-smaller-than-volleyball ones that looked like dinosaur eggs. You’d step on them and they’d either hold or or they’d move and you twist your ankle. When they’d move you'd be standing between two and they’d smash your twisted ankles above your hiking boots.
Also, the Cookhouse was good. The End. </Mostly Javier>
Speaking of food… "civilized" people eat inside wayyyy too much! Most meals we ate away from our camp site, out on the rocks. Watching the water, the sunsets, and filling up on hot food after a full day of hiking… there’s really nothing like it.
Life becomes simpler – or at least more straightforward - when you’re picking up everything and going somewhere else each day. It’s a great test of group dynamics to work together to get everything done – the food cooked, the water pumped, the tents set up, the bear bag hung, the tents packed up, the bear bag taken down, more water pumped, more food cooked. I love it when everybody just does something and somehow it happens. And it doesn’t hurt that you’re doing it all in the most beautiful setting possible! It almost makes you forget how tired and aching your body is! Almost.
One of my favorite things about this part of the world is the cairns. There’s something completely enchanting about a trail that requires following rock stacks to know where you’re going. In the woods there were little blue guy signs, but on bare rock, cairns were such a simple, artistic way to navigate the elusive, winding trail.
Another thing that just can’t be beat is Lake Superior itself. The weather was unbelievably perfect all weekend, and the Lake – which I usually associate with crashing and beautiful waves – was as calm and mirror-like as I’ve ever seen it. It made for indescribable views of underwater rocks and sunsets.
<more from Javier> Also, we had McDonald’s. The End. </more> (for real this time).

swoosh

Ever feel like a leg that's been sat on too long, patiently waiting for the pain and relief of returned blood flow? Yep, that's me at the moment. Life since Monday morning, the morning of Aug. 3 on which I still heard nothing about the funding, feels like it got put on freeze frame advance. I'm not unhappy, but my time has been chocked full of stuff (good, fun stuff) that's allowed me to hold off thinking - or feeling - too much. It hasn't been good for paying bills, returning phone calls, texts, or e-mails. Neither has it been good for figuring out what to do with all the plans/ideas/thoughts that are hovering mid-air, silently waiting for closure or redirection.
I'm thinking I'll head up north for the weekend; not sure if it's to escape, or to push "play" again on my swirling thoughts. The "swoosh" is gonna hurt!

(One thing that has been nice is the amazing presence of friends (here and remote), and the excitement of co-workers that I'm staying after all; they're disappointed for me but genuinely happy for themselves. And golly it's nice to have people around you that like you!)

oh jeepers - she's goin' in

IRD is running into problems with the logistics of the project as it was originally scoped (they're finding it a LOT more expensive than anticipated to do the stuff outlined in the project). That means that pretty much anything could happen. Yes, Shelter has a signed agreement with IRD, but that doesn't mean they still might not change the plan signficantly.

While none of us really knows the future, can I just say that I've been finding it really difficult to cope with my two - and REALLY different - looming futures? Future 1 has the funding for Liberia all falling into place, and me heading out of here in mid-September with a few more shots and my stuff all sold/stored/packed. Future 2 has the funding falling through and me staying here, trying to cope with the bottom falling out of what I've been prepping for and figuring out what to do instead. I know that what will probably happen is something entirely different, but somehow the thought of Future 3 happening isn't exactly comforting - to someone who's already slightly on edge about the whole deal. Go figure!

So yeah, I've been dealing with some mild depression. Nothing debilitating; just lack of energy and initiative for much that needs to be done around here. I'm getting the bare minimum done, but it's taking a lot of effort. And I have lots of unanswered e-mail piling up!

I think I'm coping by existing on multiple levels.

The friend level - Honestly, I think this is a major part of what's keeping me going right now. I haven't had the energy to post about them :) but I've spent some fabulous weekends with close friends and family. I've also had just really good and fun times with the "every day" friends here in Appleton. It's been so huge to just have good quality time with people who care about me and who I just love and admire and like being with so much.

The work level - Work just continues to be awesome. Have I mentioned that I love my job? :) We're doing some really neat projects and I just have great people to work with and great automomy in getting stuff done. The only way that I know something's a bit "off" is that I'm completely emotionally exhausted at the end of the work day - that's just not usual.

The God level - Ok, so I think this one permeates the other levels, but also warrants its own. I've felt a strong need to slow down more and spend time praying and reading and contemplating. It's been really good. I've been feeling down but not unloved or despairing. Probably a good step toward having better reliance on Him while I'm still living in a culture where self-sufficiency is not only possible but expected. We need God here just as much as we would anywhere else, but we have a lot of easily-available crap that we can use to medicate and distract ourselves to keep that need at bay. Having my need exposed is helping me offload at least some of that crap.

Also - the college-age Bible study has been meeting at my apartment this summer. We're studying I Corinthians and it's really been amazing. There are some great thinkers in the group and every week we've been thrashing through all sorts of stuff and finding insights that I haven't seen there before - and I've read the book a lot! Just cool that that there's always more to learn - and fun how other people help you see stuff you wouldn't find on your own (and answer tough questions!).

The book world level - I've been reading like crazy. For me that's always been a great escape. And I hope it's not unhealthy because it's for sure helping me put some distance between myself and the uncertainties in my life for small amounts of time. I just feel guilty when I know I could go pack or organize or clean something and the energy/motivation just isn't there - and so I read or sleep!

Sorry to be so introspective and me-focused; I really don't think I'm the only person in the world with struggles! Thanks for being patient as I stepped back and processed a bit.

Amy, Tim and my first tussle with move preparedness!

Technorati Tags: liberia,misadventures

good weekend! My step-mom Amy and her husband Tim had just made a looping tour of the midwest and stopped in to visit me for the weekend. We had a lovely time talking and catching up, eating, and generally just hanging out. Tim and Amy got some time to explore Appleton while I was at a wedding. They also actually had some successful clothes shopping experiences, which I can’t help but find admirable.

We talked quite a bit about what would stay and what would go with this whole Liberia transition. The general plan at this point: selling/giving away the furniture and most of the toys (bike, skis, motorcycle), along with most of the winter clothes, many of the books and other stuff that is almost more “simplify your life” stuff than anything. Things that would be hard to replace, or things for which I’ve saved up to get something precise, would go into storage (mementos from my Grandma & Dad, cooking stuff, antique books, and so on). [Joy – any idea on what I’ll want for cooking/baking stuff in Liberia??].

Part of the original activity plan was to hit the Farmer’s Market in Appleton on Saturday morning – it was the first one of the summer and believe it or not I’ve never made it to an Appletonian Farmer’s Market! That plan changed, though, when Amy took a look at my closet. It wasn’t that it was messy, per se. It was squunched. (Hmm, now that I think of it I really should have taken before and after pictures.) And Amy knows me well: for whatever reason dealing with clothes just overwhelms me. In an ideal life I would never think about clothes at all – I’d wear a jumpsuit or a perfectly cute-and-comfortable outfit would just be there waiting for me every time I’d hop out of the shower. Amy’s put up with me clothes shopping, so I suppose she felt it was time to earn more jewels in her crown or something. Or maybe she just likes suffering! At any rate, she proposed skipping the Farmer’s Market and helping me go through my closet to make decisions about stuff.

I think I struggle because I hate feeling that I’ve spent money on something that I haven’t used to the “completely worn out” stage. And living alone, it’s just plain hard to be sure that something really should be jettisoned without solid moral support. So she patiently waded with me, hanger by hanger, through the entire closet. Ooof! I was – of course – quite crabby and miserable, but she knows me well enough to just laugh at my scrunchy faces and keep on pushing.

You wouldn’t believe how freeing it is - nor how happy I am that it’s done! Now I “get” to decide what to do with all the clothes! Suggestions?

rant about people who clean

[rant] What is it with complaints about people who clean? I talked to someone recently who was laughing about how she and her colleagues had put a pea somewhere in their office just to see how long it would take the person who cleans to find it. Maybe I used to be in this camp, but golly people-who-don't-clean-for-a-living! Must we pick on people who make - how much an hour - picking up after US?! Are we really that sure that if cleaning was our job we'd do it better? I'm an indifferent enough cleaner of my own place that I have nothing but respect for people who get up every day and go and do the kind of work these folks do for the kind of pay they earn - and put up with hassling and disrespect on top of it. Yeah, I'm not saying everyone who cleans for a living is a martyred saint or anything. But there's got to be something better we could be doing with our lives....[/rant]

30ish miles of goodness in the wilderness

With considerable re-shuffling, Tom, Nancy, Javier, Jeff, Ray, Becky and I were able to make the backpacking trip to Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore this past weekend. It did NOT start propitiously. What is it with miserable starts to really cool things lately?!
* Javier had all sorts of issues with work, so ended up driving separately so he could come late (he arrived at our car-camping launch site at 4:00 AM), and leave early. He had to drive to/from work-related road trips in Rochester and Madison on both ends of the trip. We cooly and callously went to one of his favorite restaurants without him - and it was GREAT! Good ol' burgers and shakes, and for super-cheap! Mickey-Lu Bar-B-Q in Marinette - you must go there!
* Ray, Jeff and Nancy were good sports and volunteered to drive the 2 cars we'd need to the end point. But a 2-hour shuttle ended up taking 5 or 6 because of crazy road construction backtracking (strikes one and two against PRNL cartographers). Given the lack of cell phone coverage, you can imagine how agitated Tom (because he's Tom) and Becky (what with being married to Ray and all) were by the time the Three Musketeers rolled back into the camp site. Javier and I continued the cool and calloused theme: we tossed around his football pillow and took naps and generally waited to panic till we knew what actually happened.
* We decided that even with the late start we'd still be able to catch Grand Sable Dunes, and then hike from the bottom of them along the shore. This area is seriously one of the most fantastic spots in the world. If you like sand dunes you'll be on the right track, but imagine Lake Superior dumping so much sand there that it piles up to 500 feet above the shoreline! Pictures don't do it justice.... After de-sanding our feet and donning our hikin' boots we wandered along a shrinking shoreline until we found ourselves bushwhacking through forests and losing shoes in mud and water - for real! You guessed it - there was no trail from the bottom of the Dunes (strike 3 against those dang cartographers)! Javier and Tom scouted ahead along a cliff-like face to see if the shore would re-appear, and Jeff went straight up to see if we could climb up to the trail without backtracking. Thankfully the second option was an actual option. It was a LOT of work to climb up all that sand with backpacks on (it was definitely lower than 500 feet by that point - may 2-300??), so when we finally made the top and relatively quickly found the trail we were all pretty stinkin' relieved.

From there on, things definitely got easier! We found our camp site, which was actually a car camping site: cushy with things like the cleanest outhouse I've ever - uh - experienced and a picnic table!

It rained during the night with a good chance things might get worse. After some discussion, Tom and Nancy decided to hike back out and bring the car around to meet us near our 2nd night's destination while the rest of us hiked. It didn't end up raining on us so we had a great hike and had fun playing games like "how many mosquitoes can you hit at once?" (we think the record might have neared 7 - check out Jeff's jacket!) and "is that a blister?" Meanwhile Tom and Nancy toured a lighthouse we had passed on Saturday and rejoined us. We walked nearly to our camp site, and then backtracked to a water-hole we had admired earlier on the trail. Tom, Javier and Jeff all braved the freezing water!

Monday we were off for the most scenic part of the trip. We got a decently early start and so were able to pause for long stretches at the incredible views and waterfalls. It was great fun looking back along the shore to see how far we'd come. Picture Rocks really is one of the most beautiful places in the world - and there are great day hikes and car camping for those of you would like to see it all without quite so much crazyness! The day ended with Jeff and Javier going for the cars, and Tom and I randomly deciding that we needed to dunk ourselves in the lake one more time - clothes and all (there was this spot where a river was entering the lake and it was just breathtaking - in more than one sense)! There really is nothing like it - I'm sure you would have done the same!

Once we were all bundled into the car we stopped for food at the Dogpatch in Munising (remember that one, Katie, Jen, Ben and Aaron??!) before heading back south. Here are the pictures from the trip.

And I can't end this without mentioning all of the flowers we saw. It was so fun to be there in the midst of the late spring blooming. Bunchberries, Blue Bead, Wintergreen and Starflowers galore, but then we also saw Pink Lady Slipper (both pink AND white), Daffodils (how did THOSE get out there?!) Trilliums, Nodding Trilliums, Jack in the Pulpit, and Forget-Me-Nots! *sigh*

intellect and emotion

I think I've mentioned before that I'm on a listserv on the life and writings of CS Lewis. I read this post by a man named Francisco a few weeks ago, and it's stuck with me, so I thought I'd dig it up and share. Good stuff!

I have been reading with interest the discussion of intellect v. emotion, head v. heart, and (shall we say?) faith v. reason, and how they are intertwined. As many of you have pointed out, both are necessary. But how they are conjoined so as to achieve a balance is where the problem lies. There's the rub, indeed. Yet it seems that unless such a balance is achieved there can be no true integrity. Unfortunately, for most of us, an imbalance exists, a disintegration as it were, which leaves us in a state much like that of a pendulum, now emphasising heart over head, now vice versa. Is integrity possible? Can it be achieved? I think it can. I think Lewis, to a certain degree, did achieve it. And most of his writings were an attempt at trying to pass on what he had learnt to others, to us. But the question remains, how did he do it? And how, in turn, can we go and do likewise?

I think one of his best clues is found in Mere Christianity. As far as he is able he attempts to enlighten his readers to help them arrive at that state in their spiritual growth as Christians where they can become those new men and women who "even now dot the landscape." He speaks of the new life is Christ as being an exponential leap beyond mere evolution. He speaks of the new birth in Christ, compares it with the birth of a child, but points out that a child born in the natural order has no choice whereas those who wish to be born into new life in Christ do. He also uses the analogy of an egg, which if it were to choose to remain an egg rather than hatching only succeeds in becoming a rotten egg. And here, and again in The Weight of Glory, he gives us the "secret" of making this exponential leap. He tells us that above all one thing is required, for in order to carry that weight of glory one must have humility, "and the backs of the proud will be broken." Elsewhere he speaks of how when we seek to grow in our faith we invite the Lord in, thinking He will make some nice, cosmetic changes to the house that is (what we think of as) ourselves: a new window here, a fresh paint job there, a bit of varnish. Then to our surprise and dismay, and at considerable cost to our comfort, we learn that He plans to tear down our house completely. He is not content to live in a shanty. Only a castle is fit for the King. So He proceeds to tear down all that we held so dear, to demolish everything we thought of as the persons that we are, to put the old man to death in order to raise the new one to life. But He will not do so without our permission. Unless we are willing to undergo this process, we remain natural, carnal men and women. We live the life of bios, a life we share with the animals and plants, but we will never attain to the life He wishes us to have, the zoe life, the eternal life which is to know the one true God and the Christ whom He has sent, and which can, in fact, begin here. We will never become fully integrated Christians.

In the end I think what Lewis is trying to drive home is the fact that we really do not save ourselves. Our intellect is not enough to bring about this change he speaks of, this making of the new man. Certainly our emotions are even less capable of doing so. In fact, both our intellects and emotions together cannot achieve it either. If they could, what need would we have of a Savior? The temptation is always there for us fallen human beings to think that somehow we can improve ourselves, become good, become holy, by our own efforts. This sort of thinking, if we were to really admit it, is exactly the kind of claims made by adherents of the New Age. The sad and (paradoxically) wonderful reality is that this is not so. We do not, cannot, save ourselves. What we can, and must, do, is allow ourselves to be saved. Easier said than done. Whether we are willing to admit it or not (and here again Lewis has much to say) pride gets in our way. To have the humility to relinquish control of our own lives, to submit to the divine will, to surrender totally to the new life our God so earnestly wants to give us, is no easy matter. But unless we are willing to do so, we, like Orual, will only have personas and never truly become the persons we were meant to be. We will always only be wearing a mask, and never truly have faces.

Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and die...

My tuppeny-ha'penny on a Saturday evening on the eve of the Fifth Sunday of Easter. Happy Mother's Day, too, to all the moms in SpareOom, and to all the moms of all SpareOomers of whatever persuasion, male or female.

Francisco

Sole Burner!

update: I don't know you you-all managed it, but you landed on $350 even for the total donations! Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who sent in money!

Woo hoo for the American Cancer Society - sure hope they're doing good things with all the money we raised for 'em! You may remember that I ran in the Sole Burner last year for the first time. Here's a video from this year that does a pretty good job of giving the feel of it:

Since I had found it necessary to walk three or so times last year, I wanted this year to run the whole thing this year, if possible. My friend Javier took on the task of pushing me toward that goal - he ran track & cross country in high school, so it's been great fun to learn way more about running than I ever knew before. Toward the end of the training I was able to run the whole course with him - even doing the "hill of hope" at the beginning AND end - crazy! I don't think yesterday's scafuffle helped too much - but then again, maybe it did! After all, they did pump me full of fluids and steroids. (Hmm, I wonder if I should be glad they didn't do any drug testing??) Breathing was definitely a challenge, especially on (as my friend Erin calls it) the hill of hope-I-don't-die. But I ended up finishing in 31 minutes 30 seconds (9:50 minute miles), which is way better than last year's 33 minutes 34 seconds (10:49 minute miles). Hooray!
So many thanks to those of you sent money supporting the event. Dang - I should have totals of the money raised but I left it at work - I'll update this post with it when I get back on Monday. Like last year, I wrote on and posted two stars: one in memory of my dad, one in honor of my friend Deanna, who beat throat cancer 2 years ago.

Africa for grown-ups

So. I created a blog (you're surprised, right?!) for the upcoming Liberia trip! It's called Angela Ad Lib . Like this one, it's enabled for e-mail or RSS feed updates, so you can stay as updated as you care to on what's up with me! I'll continue to post slightly more personal/general life updates here on ladybugblue. Oh - and I may re-post some of general stuff about Liberia from this blog - so don't get weirded out if you see a few repeats!

I don't know if this happens to you, but every so often I have these little moments where I just sense God's love for me. I had one today as I was finishing a run. I was tired and coming in toward home, and the most cooling beautiful breeze came up around and behind me. I knew right then that I was so loved, and not alone - a big deal, particularly if you're single. And I started thinking, dang, I'm kind of getting the sense that there won't be too terribly many cooling breezes in Liberia - how will God show His love for me there?! Silly I know - I WAS tired - but that was the thought. I'm loving the Wisconsin spring this year, and although I may very well end up not doing the 2 year project, I really hate even the thought of two years without the seasons changing and without springs. How will I know God loves me, there? Will I be ever be able to be out in the wilderness (where I so often sense His presence) without fear? How often will I be able to just be out in His beautiful world, enjoying it and Him? Will everything be crisis and heat and being strong and striving and seriousness and others and their suffering? Will I get lost in that, and forget how much I - like any child - desperately need not only guidance and wisdom, but love, from my Parent?

I guess I will rely extra-heavily on my friends and family - the other big way I sense God's love! Can't even describe how encouraging it's been to have folks listen, share thoughts, email, shop, hang out, brainstorm, and just generally be there as I'm sorting out details of the upcoming trip, and the implications of the bigger project. It's funny because 10 days seems short compared to two years - but it's still a big deal! And I'm excited, but I'm also nervous about it. It's probably the least defined trip I've taken to one of the more challenging places in the world. As one girl (who's been to Kenya) put it this weekend: "Liberia is Africa for grown-ups"!