Sunday, July 19, 2009

oh jeepers - she's goin' in

IRD is running into problems with the logistics of the project as it was originally scoped (they're finding it a LOT more expensive than anticipated to do the stuff outlined in the project). That means that pretty much anything could happen. Yes, Shelter has a signed agreement with IRD, but that doesn't mean they still might not change the plan signficantly.

While none of us really knows the future, can I just say that I've been finding it really difficult to cope with my two - and REALLY different - looming futures? Future 1 has the funding for Liberia all falling into place, and me heading out of here in mid-September with a few more shots and my stuff all sold/stored/packed. Future 2 has the funding falling through and me staying here, trying to cope with the bottom falling out of what I've been prepping for and figuring out what to do instead. I know that what will probably happen is something entirely different, but somehow the thought of Future 3 happening isn't exactly comforting - to someone who's already slightly on edge about the whole deal. Go figure!

So yeah, I've been dealing with some mild depression. Nothing debilitating; just lack of energy and initiative for much that needs to be done around here. I'm getting the bare minimum done, but it's taking a lot of effort. And I have lots of unanswered e-mail piling up!

I think I'm coping by existing on multiple levels.

The friend level - Honestly, I think this is a major part of what's keeping me going right now. I haven't had the energy to post about them :) but I've spent some fabulous weekends with close friends and family. I've also had just really good and fun times with the "every day" friends here in Appleton. It's been so huge to just have good quality time with people who care about me and who I just love and admire and like being with so much.

The work level - Work just continues to be awesome. Have I mentioned that I love my job? :) We're doing some really neat projects and I just have great people to work with and great automomy in getting stuff done. The only way that I know something's a bit "off" is that I'm completely emotionally exhausted at the end of the work day - that's just not usual.

The God level - Ok, so I think this one permeates the other levels, but also warrants its own. I've felt a strong need to slow down more and spend time praying and reading and contemplating. It's been really good. I've been feeling down but not unloved or despairing. Probably a good step toward having better reliance on Him while I'm still living in a culture where self-sufficiency is not only possible but expected. We need God here just as much as we would anywhere else, but we have a lot of easily-available crap that we can use to medicate and distract ourselves to keep that need at bay. Having my need exposed is helping me offload at least some of that crap.

Also - the college-age Bible study has been meeting at my apartment this summer. We're studying I Corinthians and it's really been amazing. There are some great thinkers in the group and every week we've been thrashing through all sorts of stuff and finding insights that I haven't seen there before - and I've read the book a lot! Just cool that that there's always more to learn - and fun how other people help you see stuff you wouldn't find on your own (and answer tough questions!).

The book world level - I've been reading like crazy. For me that's always been a great escape. And I hope it's not unhealthy because it's for sure helping me put some distance between myself and the uncertainties in my life for small amounts of time. I just feel guilty when I know I could go pack or organize or clean something and the energy/motivation just isn't there - and so I read or sleep!

Sorry to be so introspective and me-focused; I really don't think I'm the only person in the world with struggles! Thanks for being patient as I stepped back and processed a bit.