intellect and emotion

I think I've mentioned before that I'm on a listserv on the life and writings of CS Lewis. I read this post by a man named Francisco a few weeks ago, and it's stuck with me, so I thought I'd dig it up and share. Good stuff!

I have been reading with interest the discussion of intellect v. emotion, head v. heart, and (shall we say?) faith v. reason, and how they are intertwined. As many of you have pointed out, both are necessary. But how they are conjoined so as to achieve a balance is where the problem lies. There's the rub, indeed. Yet it seems that unless such a balance is achieved there can be no true integrity. Unfortunately, for most of us, an imbalance exists, a disintegration as it were, which leaves us in a state much like that of a pendulum, now emphasising heart over head, now vice versa. Is integrity possible? Can it be achieved? I think it can. I think Lewis, to a certain degree, did achieve it. And most of his writings were an attempt at trying to pass on what he had learnt to others, to us. But the question remains, how did he do it? And how, in turn, can we go and do likewise?

I think one of his best clues is found in Mere Christianity. As far as he is able he attempts to enlighten his readers to help them arrive at that state in their spiritual growth as Christians where they can become those new men and women who "even now dot the landscape." He speaks of the new life is Christ as being an exponential leap beyond mere evolution. He speaks of the new birth in Christ, compares it with the birth of a child, but points out that a child born in the natural order has no choice whereas those who wish to be born into new life in Christ do. He also uses the analogy of an egg, which if it were to choose to remain an egg rather than hatching only succeeds in becoming a rotten egg. And here, and again in The Weight of Glory, he gives us the "secret" of making this exponential leap. He tells us that above all one thing is required, for in order to carry that weight of glory one must have humility, "and the backs of the proud will be broken." Elsewhere he speaks of how when we seek to grow in our faith we invite the Lord in, thinking He will make some nice, cosmetic changes to the house that is (what we think of as) ourselves: a new window here, a fresh paint job there, a bit of varnish. Then to our surprise and dismay, and at considerable cost to our comfort, we learn that He plans to tear down our house completely. He is not content to live in a shanty. Only a castle is fit for the King. So He proceeds to tear down all that we held so dear, to demolish everything we thought of as the persons that we are, to put the old man to death in order to raise the new one to life. But He will not do so without our permission. Unless we are willing to undergo this process, we remain natural, carnal men and women. We live the life of bios, a life we share with the animals and plants, but we will never attain to the life He wishes us to have, the zoe life, the eternal life which is to know the one true God and the Christ whom He has sent, and which can, in fact, begin here. We will never become fully integrated Christians.

In the end I think what Lewis is trying to drive home is the fact that we really do not save ourselves. Our intellect is not enough to bring about this change he speaks of, this making of the new man. Certainly our emotions are even less capable of doing so. In fact, both our intellects and emotions together cannot achieve it either. If they could, what need would we have of a Savior? The temptation is always there for us fallen human beings to think that somehow we can improve ourselves, become good, become holy, by our own efforts. This sort of thinking, if we were to really admit it, is exactly the kind of claims made by adherents of the New Age. The sad and (paradoxically) wonderful reality is that this is not so. We do not, cannot, save ourselves. What we can, and must, do, is allow ourselves to be saved. Easier said than done. Whether we are willing to admit it or not (and here again Lewis has much to say) pride gets in our way. To have the humility to relinquish control of our own lives, to submit to the divine will, to surrender totally to the new life our God so earnestly wants to give us, is no easy matter. But unless we are willing to do so, we, like Orual, will only have personas and never truly become the persons we were meant to be. We will always only be wearing a mask, and never truly have faces.

Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and die...

My tuppeny-ha'penny on a Saturday evening on the eve of the Fifth Sunday of Easter. Happy Mother's Day, too, to all the moms in SpareOom, and to all the moms of all SpareOomers of whatever persuasion, male or female.

Francisco

Sole Burner!

update: I don't know you you-all managed it, but you landed on $350 even for the total donations! Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who sent in money!

Woo hoo for the American Cancer Society - sure hope they're doing good things with all the money we raised for 'em! You may remember that I ran in the Sole Burner last year for the first time. Here's a video from this year that does a pretty good job of giving the feel of it:

Since I had found it necessary to walk three or so times last year, I wanted this year to run the whole thing this year, if possible. My friend Javier took on the task of pushing me toward that goal - he ran track & cross country in high school, so it's been great fun to learn way more about running than I ever knew before. Toward the end of the training I was able to run the whole course with him - even doing the "hill of hope" at the beginning AND end - crazy! I don't think yesterday's scafuffle helped too much - but then again, maybe it did! After all, they did pump me full of fluids and steroids. (Hmm, I wonder if I should be glad they didn't do any drug testing??) Breathing was definitely a challenge, especially on (as my friend Erin calls it) the hill of hope-I-don't-die. But I ended up finishing in 31 minutes 30 seconds (9:50 minute miles), which is way better than last year's 33 minutes 34 seconds (10:49 minute miles). Hooray!
So many thanks to those of you sent money supporting the event. Dang - I should have totals of the money raised but I left it at work - I'll update this post with it when I get back on Monday. Like last year, I wrote on and posted two stars: one in memory of my dad, one in honor of my friend Deanna, who beat throat cancer 2 years ago.

Africa for grown-ups

So. I created a blog (you're surprised, right?!) for the upcoming Liberia trip! It's called Angela Ad Lib . Like this one, it's enabled for e-mail or RSS feed updates, so you can stay as updated as you care to on what's up with me! I'll continue to post slightly more personal/general life updates here on ladybugblue. Oh - and I may re-post some of general stuff about Liberia from this blog - so don't get weirded out if you see a few repeats!

I don't know if this happens to you, but every so often I have these little moments where I just sense God's love for me. I had one today as I was finishing a run. I was tired and coming in toward home, and the most cooling beautiful breeze came up around and behind me. I knew right then that I was so loved, and not alone - a big deal, particularly if you're single. And I started thinking, dang, I'm kind of getting the sense that there won't be too terribly many cooling breezes in Liberia - how will God show His love for me there?! Silly I know - I WAS tired - but that was the thought. I'm loving the Wisconsin spring this year, and although I may very well end up not doing the 2 year project, I really hate even the thought of two years without the seasons changing and without springs. How will I know God loves me, there? Will I be ever be able to be out in the wilderness (where I so often sense His presence) without fear? How often will I be able to just be out in His beautiful world, enjoying it and Him? Will everything be crisis and heat and being strong and striving and seriousness and others and their suffering? Will I get lost in that, and forget how much I - like any child - desperately need not only guidance and wisdom, but love, from my Parent?

I guess I will rely extra-heavily on my friends and family - the other big way I sense God's love! Can't even describe how encouraging it's been to have folks listen, share thoughts, email, shop, hang out, brainstorm, and just generally be there as I'm sorting out details of the upcoming trip, and the implications of the bigger project. It's funny because 10 days seems short compared to two years - but it's still a big deal! And I'm excited, but I'm also nervous about it. It's probably the least defined trip I've taken to one of the more challenging places in the world. As one girl (who's been to Kenya) put it this weekend: "Liberia is Africa for grown-ups"!

kayakkin'

I feel like I'm surfacing toward "normal" with the completion of my class. If you can call it that when you're heading to Liberia in 2 1/2 weeks. EEEEP! I spent an hour talking to a Very Cool Person who's lived in Liberia last night. Her name is Joy, and I found her by wandering across her blog, Finding Joy in Liberia! She was amazingly patient with a-thousand-and-one clueless questions, and I'm starting to feel less prepared than ever for this trip!
In the meantime (and to get my mind off it for a few moments) , my kayaking class just wrapped up. There have been seven sessions over the past 2 months or so (well, I missed one b/c of the Colorado trip), and they've been such fun. Did I ever mention that I love kayaking? I do. It's true. I will tell you why.

• You get to go places just not accessible in other ways. Sea caves & stuff like that. There's just nothin' like exploring nooks and crannies that are otherwise inaccessible.
  
• You're down low to - and almost in - the water, rather than on top of it. You're constantly aware of what it's doing, so it forces you to slow down and pay attention.
• It's efficient: you have a paddle on each end - so you can go nearly straight, which isn't really possible in a canoe unless you're an incredibly skilled paddler.
• You have direct, immediate control of the boat - and you can learn to do amazing things just by tilting your hips, keeping your head positioned just so, angling your paddle a certain way, and so on.
• It's an art as well as a sport - there's always more to learn, more to master, though you don't have to know too terribly much to just get out and get started. I think finesse is the word I'm looking for.
  
• It's beautiful and peaceful.
• You can roll! (or not - but it's technically possible!)
  
• You can camp - you can pack quite a bit more in a kayak than you can in a backpack > more food > longer trips. Or just more comfy things!

The classes were great because they covered all sorts of stuff that's good to keep learning - safety stuff, planning group trips, learning rescues and rolls, playing with different kinds of boats. I did get to the point where I can roll - it ain't pretty nor consistent, but it was fun to get a few decent ones in. I wore my scuba mask, which was highly unattractive, but awesome because I could see and it kept water out of my eyes and nose. When you're repeatedly submerging yourself for an hour or two at a time, that starts to be signficant. The other great thing about the class is the kayaking community; it's great to get to know others who love the sport, who are free in sharing their expertise, who invite you on expeditions (and might even lend you a boat if you don't have one), and who invite you after every class to hang out for pizza and beer. What's not to love?!

there's nothin' that a hundred men or more could ever do

(more Liberia-thinking updates)

I've been wanting to write this update for a while now, but would not let myself till I finished my class! It was due today, so I'm done! I can't tell you how great it is to have that off my mind and be able to focus on other stuff now.

So the plan has changed: apparently "prime" - the main organization we'll be partnering with - still needed to get some documentation in that just wasn't going to be doable, so they're asking for an extension of the initial project date to July or August. However, they are planning to send someone (who's currently in Bogata!) to Liberia in May to start getting things organized. Once that was known, Shelter and the other partner organizations pretty quickly decided that that would be a great time to get set up as well.

The change is great for me. I'm actually going to be able to go with Mustafa in May, so I'll get to be a part of all the initial planning and set-up and contact making, along with him. Then (if I sense that this whole 2-year thing is a "yes") I'll be able to go in July or August and actually start with the start of the project rather than coming in midstream and taking over from an interim project manager, which the original June plan would have entailed.

The bad news is that the shift to May puts the trip smack over our upcoming Pictured Rocks backpacking trip. :( We're trying to sort out right now what to do about that - delay it, or do it anyway... I don't want them to delay it on my account, but I'm super-bummed to miss as well. Why do good things all have to happen at once?! :)

In the meantime (and in the midst of mad studying, and trying to somewhat-train for the upcoming 5K Soleburner run), I've been trying to sort out immunization stuff (this egg allergy things really makes things ridiculously complicated! - but just try to infect me with polio or Hep A or B now!) and read/learn more about the country. I've contacted one person who's lived there and now is back in the States, and I'm hoping to talk with her this week.

A few cool updates on the country: Ellen Johnson Sirleaf (the president) has been going around the U.S. taking interviews and promoting her new book. Just this week Comedy Central's Daily Show with Jon Stewart hosted and interviewed her - and it's worth watching if you haven't seen it (click here if the video below doesn't work):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Also, I thought this was a really informative interview of her by NPR: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102866461 - it's really informational.

Jen got me This Child Will be Great for my birthday and it came in the mail this week - so I started reading it last night as soon as I hit "submit" on my last homework assignment. So far, it's great!

Regarding the decision: several things have fallen almost eerily into place. Example: I stopped by my eye doctor on a whim, just to see how long my last contact exam was good for. It was expiring the next day! So I was able to order contacts for 2 years (don't tell them I'll stretch it out that long! :) without needing to pay for another exam. Don't want to read too much into stuff like that, but I am grateful!

I did tell my boss & coworkers about this possibility on Friday - which is a relief. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding information. When I get back in May - decision (hopefully!) in tow - we'll try to figure out succession planning for my role. That will be interesting!

So, the plan is that Mustafa will get tickets for May 16-28 tomorrow - if that changes again, I'll let you know!

gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

thought I'd post an update of my current thoughts about Africa.

Lots of my thoughts in 2009 have teased away at the snarl of "what is it I'm supposed to be doing here in this world". I love Appleton, I love my friends here, I love my church family, I have an amazing job that I absolutely find fulfilling, challenging and meaningful. Aspects of my life ARE hard, but as I look at it in comparison to what the rest of the world faces, I really have so much more to be thankful for than otherwise. And what, really, do I want to see when/if I'm 80 and looking back on it?

I know the next "appropriate" statement for a post like this would be "Enter Liberia" - suddenly all that changes and falls into place and gives me meaning and purpose and direction. There's something to that. The times in my life when I've felt most at peace, most purposeful, have been when my whole life - at that moment - is focused on being where I am and doing my best within that context. The two weeks before my dad died. The weeks I've spent in St. Louis. The two weeks in Tajikistan. Even backpacking trips and travel. I love that feeling of, "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, right here, right now." All the complexity of my every day life (much of which, I'm sure, I bring on myself!), can be addressed and simplified by how it relates to the purpose at hand. It also gives a basis from which to deal with what's difficult about the situation (from being physically "discomfy" to extreme gut-wrenching emotion). I'm not - of course - looking at this 2-year project as delivering two solid, non-stop years of that sense of purpose, but I'm thinking there would be good doses of it.

Actually, the thought of Liberia has already given me some of that. When you have the possibility of that magnitude potentially looming in front of you, it does make many decisions easier, even when its tentative. Because to some degree, considering the possibility means you make some decisions as if it's a certainty.

But (and you knew there was a "but" coming, right?) all of that is hardly reason enough to completely up-end one's life! So then - what exactly IS reason enough to do so? What scale there that will consistently measure "yea"s and "nay"s until it eventually reaches a tipping point of solid decision-making assurance? Pfffooof!

So, for right now, I'm

• praying. Asking God to give me a clear indication, increased direction, circumstances falling into place, a sense of peace about one direction or the other.
• listening. Seeking thoughts and insights from folks around me, who know me well and care.
• moving forward. Taking steps toward making it a reality; watching to see if doors bang shut in my face or swing silently open. So far, no major bangs!
  
• learning. Sifting through the plethora of information on Liberia to gather the bits that yield understanding of what life there is like. Picking Mustafa's brain to learn all I can about the project, about Shelter for Life, about Liberia from his perspective.

Status at this Point: as best as I can tell I'm at a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Don't get me wrong - I'm terrified about this. But while there would definitely be relief if all this came to nothing, there would also be some pretty major let-down and disappointment.

Today I drove to Fond du Lac to meet Jen and Mustafa for brunch (they're in Milwaukee with family for the weekend). Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, Liberia's president, spoke at the University of Minnesota yesterday and they got to hear her, so I got to hear about that and we also discussed more possible logistics (there's a chance Jen would come and help get things set up at the first part of the project - how cool would that be!). We had a lovely time as we always do when together, and I feel like I've gone a few more inches down the path....

a yurty update, and wayyy to much about skiing

Friday we headed to the Never Summer Range! We stopped in Fort Collins to meet up with Laura and Aaron, who were coming from Denver, and to get sandwiches. Wednesday I had run into the post office to mail some Liberia stuff to Mustafa and had fun joking with the folks there about whether I was allowed in the building: a sign outside read "Guide Dogs Only". So when we stopped at the Moose Visitor Center, Laura popped out of their car and wondered if I knew what noises moose make so we could blend in if non-mooses weren't allowed. Unfortunately, I'm not really up on my moose calls, but no one seemed to notice and we made it in and out again with nothing more alarming than our car passes for the weekend.
Some technical notes about what we were up to for the weekend (skim ahead to the ** if this bores you - I found it fascinating and wanted to share!); Justin, Aaron, and I rented Alpine Touring (AT) skis. Michelle and Patrick had Telemarking (Telly) skis, and Laura had Nordic (traditional, cross-country [X-C] skis like mine in Wisconsin, only with metal edges for better turning in alpine conditions). Traditional X-C skis have light boots and completely free heels. They generally have a "kick zone", waxless - where "fish scales" give grip, or waxed - where wax is used for friction. They are bowed, so that the "sticky" part of the ski doesn't really contact the snow until you put your weight on it, giving you the friction you need to take your next step forward. They're great for flat and slightly hilly areas, but once you get vertical enough, they just don't have the grip to keep your skis pointing up the slope - you start sliding backwards. Then it's time to push your skis out side-by-side and 'herringbone' your way up the slope - exhausting! There is an easier way to do this - more on that in a moment. They're not really built for going down steep hills either, especially when it comes to turning!
Telly skis are similar to X-C, but they are constructed for back country skiing: essentially finding cool mountains in the back country wilderness, climbing them, and then skiing down. So for the downhill part, the boots are heavier and more supportive, but the heels are still free. To aid efficient downhill motion, they are not bowed like x-c skis, nor do they have a kick zone; they're also wider to better hold the skier on top of the snow. Watching a skilled telly (or freeheel) skier (like Michelle) is just awesome as they crouch with one leg forward to make turns (since the heel isn't locked in, there isn't the same side-to-side control you have with regular downhill skis). So how do telly skiers go uphill? Well, the free heel is a great start; you can imagine that trying to walk uphill with your heels locked to the ski would be taxing in the extreme - even going horizontally in traditional downhill skis is painful. But to actually give the friction needed to keep the ski from going backwards, backcountry skiers use "skins". These used to be actual animal skins, with the fur pointed in line with the slide, so they would go forward, but not easily backward. The same effect is now achieved with synthetic materials. Picture a long, flexible strip of that material they use to make lint brushes with super-adherey rubber-cementy stuff on the back. Sliding forward is fairly easy, sliding backward is nearly impossible. While you can't glide on them (it's pretty much a slidey walk to get around), you don't have to work to keep yourself angled up on a slope. The lint brush grabs the snow and holds you in place. So backcountry skiers carry around skins, apply them to the bottom of their skis when they need to do significant climbing or horizontal movement, and pull them off when they get to the top and have earned the fun of going down!
AT skis are a hybrid of telly and downhill skis. The binding lets you lock the heel down to the ski when you're going downhill, and unlock it when you're climbing. Though they're generally heavier than telly skis, you get the fun of backcountry skiing without having to learn a whole new way of going downhill. Again, skins are used for significant horizontal/uphill.
Here are some pictures of me putting skins on my skis. To keep the sticky stuff sticky, the skin is bonded to itself when not in use, so pulling it apart is major work. Once you've done that, you hook the loop around the end of the ski. Then you gradually smooth the skin to the ski, keeping it centered as you go. Once it's on, you're ready to climb! When you get to the top of the slope, you peel the skin back off the ski, fold the sticky part back on itself and stow the skin away, lock down your heels, and ski off down the mountain! Unless you're me, of course. Then you ski in very quick, short runs, dump yourself into fluffy-looking snow banks to slow down, somehow re-right yourself and your pack, sort out your poles, and shake off accumulated snow, then repeat! It's jolly good fun for everyone, as long as you don't count worn down, blister/bruise-causing rental boots, frequent pauses for breath during climbing (especially as the air gets thinner), having a very screwed up sense of balance because of the huge pack on your back, and constant wardrobe adjustments based on the temperature, wind, and whether your next intention is to go up or down. Ok, I'm overstating the negative - it really is a blast.
** (resuming actual story!) We got out at the trailhead, unloaded our gear, put the skins on our skis, and headed out. Having a pack on my back while skiing was quite a different experience for me - it's not terrible, it just means your balance is different and it's more work to get uphill. And that downhill you have more momentum - which may or may not be a good thing. :) We skied up for about 2 1/2 miles before reaching our destination, the Upper Montgomery Pass Yurt. It was a great little spot, at about 9500 feet above sea level, and the closest yet I've been to true winter camping. It's amazing how roomy it was, given that there were six of us in it, but with a little coordination, we really didn't have too much of a problem keeping our gear straight. Patrick was primarily the fire man - they leave you with a good-sized pile of wood right there, and ask that you split more before you leave. The temperature was comfortable until the fire went out at night, at which point it got down to freezing, but we all had good sleeping bags. Patrick would be the first one up in the morning (he should get LOTS of points for this!) and would start up the fire, so by the time the rest of us tumbled out of our bunks the yurt was at a pretty comfy temperature again.
Friday night, Aaron and Laura cooked up a delicious shepherd's pie while the rest of us played Euchre, and then we all went out for some star gazing. The ski was clear, and there were so many stars I couldn't find the little dipper without help - there were too many other visible stars around it! It was breath-taking. Justin set his camera on super-slow shutter speed, and actually captured part of Orion in a picture (I get major nothingness when I try to get star pictures!). The funny thing is that 30 seconds was enough to blur the stars a little, just with the movement of the earth or something. Crazy. We went back in, played Up and Down the River, then headed to bed.
Saturday morning, Justin and Michelle cooked these yummy egg-veggie-ham-toasted bagel thingies and we got ourselves set for an expedition. (Here's a short "yurt moment" video I took accidentally.) We re-applied the skins, climbed our way to about around 10,800 feet (we didn't go further because of concern about avalanches given recent snowfall), then skied back down. Laura kindly swapped her x-c skis with me for the day (the AT boots were grouchy at my shins for some reason), so I had great fun trying to navigate the downhill with them. I kept the skins on for the first, steepest part, but then pulled them off for a great cruise back down to the yurt. It's just so fun to go downhill after you've worked so hard for it. And, it goes down and down and DOWN - unlike Wisconsin which I love, of course, but that's generally flat and flat, little up, little down, and flat again. We still had packs on because we needed to keep the avalanche gear with us - and it was also nice to have storage for lunchy things and extra clothing for the windy top.

Back at the yurt, the others settled into Cribbage - Patrick and I were on for dinner. I played prep cook and he sous chef, and he pulled off this yummy veggie beef stew that had everything from eggplant to green pepper in it. We talked and laughed and played Dutch Blitz (the boys LOVED it…) and more Up and Down the River before heading to bed.
Sunday was a flurry of berry/chocolate chip pancakes, packing up, cleaning up, wood splitting, and generally pulling things together. We took off down the mountain in decent time, and again had a blast cruising down the mountain. Michelle took a short video of me skiing around a turn (doesn't it look FUN?!).

The trail leveled out for the last mile or so, so some folks put on their skins for the trek out. Unfortunately Aaron really had trouble with his ski boots and blisters, so that part wasn't much fun for him. (Aaron did a lot of trail breaking throughout the weekend, and - whether backpacking or skiing or anything else - is generally leading the group, so we knew it was serious when he just eased himself along for that last mile).
The mountains were beautiful (as was the reggae Michelle was playing) as we drove our way out; already the snow from Thursday's blizzard was clearing out. We stopped in Fort Collins for a delicious Mexican lunch/supper where we all ate far too much, and parted ways with Aaron and Laura. We did stop to watch a full train go right through the middle of Mason Street in Fort Collins - a very odd but fun sight - and had fun talking and joking right up to when we headed out. Then it was back to Boulder for regrouping, picture sorting, and - OF COURSE - the loveliest-ever of showers.

Today, Patrick had taken the day off (it was his birthday!!), so he and I bummed around and returned rental stuff. He picked up Frank (who seems to be doing a bit better!) from the vet where he'd been watched for the weekend. We then had a chill brunch at Blueberry Hill, picked up rental gear from Justin and Aaron (and went out to lunch with them - hooray!), and headed off to Golden where the group had rented the avalanche gear. We bummed around the town a bit, found ourselves back in the foothills at White Ranch Park admiring the state from that fantastic vantage point, and then headed into Denver to prowl a bit at an amazing book store - Tattered Cover. I have to say it's about the best book store I've ever visited - wowsa. Antiques everywhere, and lots of character-filled nooks to tuck into for an afternoon. I didn't want to leave! Patrick needed to get me off his hands, though, so I soon found myself back at the airport, boarding an on-time plane, and back in Appleton. (Even if I wasn't now afraid to complain about any air travel, I wouldn't have found much to complain about on this flight - hooray for that Appleton-Denver nonstop flight!).

So many, many, thanks to Michelle (particularly for all the gear, coordination, insight, patience, and hospitality!), Patrick (for schlepping me to and fro and for entertaining me today), Justin (for making the whole thing happen and for the advice, photography and being such a great vegetable), and Aaron and Laura (for picking up the gear and lending me your skis and being excellent trail buddies). And to all of you for being so swell to a clueless flatlander!
Click here for pictures of the trip

BLIZZARD

So - there had been warning of cooler temps today, and they predicted 3-5 inches of snow. Last week it was in the 70s so Michelle has been bummed for me that I missed all that lovely weather. The forecast kept getting a little worse (last night they were saying 5-8) though, and when I came down this morning, Michelle informed that they were declaring it a blizzard, calling off school, and were expecting 12-18 inches of snow! It's so weird - yesterday we were bouldering, today we were taking the skis we rented for our trip this weekend out in the same park! Here's a pic of us today in roughly the same spot we were in yesterday in the last pic from yesterday's post! (Justin was supposed to make a scrunchy face too!).

The blizzard cooled off (hah!) many of the plans we had today. It ended up including excellent coffee (thanks Michelle!), applications for teaching jobs in California (Michelle - looks like she and Justin will be moving there this summer), application work for the Liberia job (me), driving 2-wheel-drive vehicles in crazy, adventurous snowy conditions (Patrick & Justin), shoveling, shoveling, and then shoveling again (Michelle), grocery shopping (Michelle and Patrick), renting AT (Alpine Touring) skis (me and Justin), crossword puzzling (Patrick) and a chance to try out the skis in Chautauqua Park (me, Michelle and Justin). That was followed by Michelle's amazing lasagna, more chilling out/plan making/food prep, and general exhaustion.

Some sad news: Patrick got a call from the vet today regarding some blood work they just ran on his cat, Frank. Apparently he has renal failure, and any interventions they do will probably only prolong his life - they can't cure it. :( It's hitting Patrick pretty hard - Frank's been a great buddy to him. We all feel for him...

Still thinking about this Liberia thing; talked to Jen and Mustafa on the phone about it a bit today. Mustafa referred me to a site as a source for info: http://www.reliefweb.int/ and I thought this article did a good job laying out some of the very practical issues the country is facing.

OK, time for bed! Here's a great picture of Justin and Michelle - and the beautiful-blizzard-that-may-cause-avalanches-but (we're pretty sure)-won't-keep-us-from-the-adventure-tomorrow!

(I - of course - won't be updating this till I get back. And don't worry - Justin and Patrick are SUPER safe people, know the signs that indicate likely avalanches, and know how to avoid them.)

a little Wednesday in CO

Hooray for good friends in cool places! United recently opened up a direct flight from Appleton to Denver, so I arrived remarkably unfrazzled and excited to be here. Patrick picked me up and we headed to Michelle’s place in Boulder. Justin was working, so the three of us hit Know Thai for lunch and headed out into Chautauqua Park for a 6 mile hike to Mallory Cave. I’m happy to report that Ponderosa Pines continue to smell like butterscotch if you get close enough, and that the Flatirons maintain their majestic coolness through the winter. The day wrapped up by meeting up with the rest of the group (Aaron, Laura, and Justin) at Yak & Yeti’s (where I had the best Lamb Korma I’ve EVER had – even the leftovers were outstanding) where we caught up and worked through more details of our trip, and then hanging out and talking at Michelle’s. These people are outstanding, and I’m having a fabulous time being with them.

Africa thoughts & activities are still going on in the background – perhaps more on that later.

yurt yurt

Well, I'm off! Justin, Michelle, Patrick, Aaron and Laura and I will be cross-country skiing back to a yurt for the weekend! I'm all packed into my 49L backpacking backpack (which I hope they'll let me carry on - it's smallish as backpacks go) and my laptop shoulder bag. A few days at a higher elevation will hopefully give me a clear brain and some good space to mull over this whole Africa bit.
(Yesterday was a tad crazy; Mustafa said that if I can get the stuff to him by the end of March, he'd send in my visa application with his. This would be for at least a visit with the team to Liberia. Somehow in the midst of wrapping stuff up at work, packing & having "game night" with 8 people, I made it to the travel clinic - you need a yellow fever vaccination to get a visa - and got passport photos and the other stuff I'll need (I think) to get to Mustafa. Jeepers!)

a little chat about Liberia

8:48 AM Mustafa: hey stranger

happy new year

me: hello!

Mustafa: Hi :)

Mustafa: sorry... we keep falling off the earth.

8:52 AM me: hey - how are you guys doing?

9:04 AM Mustafa:

we're good

how areyou?

me: I'm good, overall. miss you guys!

9:05 AM Mustafa: we miss you too

sorry that last weekend didn't work out

did you go to the wedding?

me: no worries

no - long story, but basically I ended up being sick!

Mustafa: oh I'm sorry

Mustafa: hey...a question

me:sure

9:06 AM Mustafa: would you like to go to Liberia as a project manager?

me: sure!

for how long?

when?

Mustafa: it's a two year project though

June

me: ahhh

what would I be doing?

Mustafa: it is a school feeding program

me: wow

9:07 AM Mustafa: our portion is the renovation of 100 schools

9:08 AM me: wow

so what kind of person are you looking for?

Mustafa: a good project manager, skills in managing/leading people

group of maybe 5-10

organized and plan-oriented

9:10 AM the PM will work with our partner agency, IRD, to 1) select the schools 2) lead the construction supervisor team to assess the rate of repair 3) work with the logistics peron to get the proper material

4) be the face of rep of SFL in the country

9:11 AM and reporting

me: wow, sounds amazing

Mustafa: well...if you want to do it, I can make it happen

9:12 AM even though you don't have constructio management experience... that sholdn't be a hurdle

but the two-year

me: would there be fundraising?

Mustafa: the project will pay but not a full salary that I had initially budgeted for

I'm in the process of negotiation and will know exactly how much can the project pay

Mustafa: and you can add more support to it

me: what languages would I be working in?

Mustafa: even a circle of praying friends

9:14 AM Liberian English

me: definitely!!

really?

Mustafa: it's old American slave English

yeah

oooooo Whiteman can lie-ooo

:)

me: I would seriously consider it - where would I find more info, and what do you need to know by when?

Mustafa: is a Liberian phrase

9:15 AM me: very true

Mustafa: let me send you the link

http://www.shelter.org/partner/serve.php

the last in the list

the person will also bear the title of Country Director

9:16 AM me: wow

(I know, I keep saying that)

Mustafa: :)

9:17 AM Jen too thinks you'll do a great job

me: she's always getting me into situations!

9:18 AM so what would happen with the fact that I know little about construction?

Mustafa: hahaha Jen's screaming from the bathroom

saying that if she gets laid off she'll join you

me: awesome!

9:19 AM Mustafa: the construction will be a plus but the main responsibility will not be construction quality control

it's directing/managing people

making sure the corruption doesn't take over

representing in the government offices, working with the Minister of Education

and even the president's office

the U.S. Embassy in Monrovia

9:20 AM so lots of connectiong building, accountability

and so on

me: really sounds cool

I know nothing about the country so I'm reading about it right now...

Mustafa: ok.... let me know, seriously, what you think

9:21 AM

me: wow, so crazy

so you must need somebody pretty bad at this point, huh?

9:22 AM Mustafa: my contact in the country is a theologian who will be part of the program

he's a great guy

Mustafa: so all to say that there is familiar faces

9:23 AM me: what kind of dress do western women wear there?

Mustafa: it's a secular christian nation

and Monrovia in 70s was a modern city

but no restriction that you'd expect in many muslim countries

their president is a woman

9:24 AM Johnson

maybe your sibs

me: :)

Mustafa: :)

me: must be!

Mustafa: she's a harvard grad

me: wow

Mustafa: give it some serious thoughts

and send me a resume :)

as if it's only serious if you say yes

:)

9:25 AM me: send you a resume as if I'm serious, you mean?

:) I think I can manage that

Mustafa: :)

me: thanks for thinking of me!

Mustafa: you're welcome... it'll be a beautiful opportunity.... I would personally love to spend a yr or two in West Africa

9:26 AM extremely different from the East

me: yeah

Mustafa: or Central, for that matter

me: it would really be an amazing opportunity

Mustafa:

9:28 AM alright friend, back to study

let me know what you think

me: one more quick question

Mustafa: ok

me: it says report to Director of Field Operations

who's that?

Mustafa: it's our Op director at HQ

he's an architect and a very cool guy

9:29 AM me: where is he based?

Mustafa: just came back from a two+ years in Pakistan

MN

me: dang, so I don't get to report to you?

Mustafa: I'm telling you... you'll be the chief

your first boss will be in the US

on the operations you'll work with the ops

me: just crazy to think about... but I'm thinking!

Mustafa: but because you'll bear the CD title

9:30 AM you'll have to work with me too

to develop new program activities

me: cool!

Mustafa: basically, besides project management, doing some basic statistics and ethnographics studies of needs assessment and best solutions

9:31 AM if we get more funding your income will go up :)

Mustafa: but it doesn't seem to be approved by our prime

me: prime?

Mustafa: it's a consortium of the organizations

9:32 AM the prime = the main recipient of the funding

me: ahh

Mustafa: does the feeding and food processing

we do the school renovation

9:33 AM me: good to know!

domino adventures

You wouldn't think too much trouble could come from a nice comfy evening of playing dominoes, would you?

Tonight was a chill game night; just me, Tammy and Javier hanging out and finally agreeing on Mexican Train for the evening's entertainment. Last week I made the Best Recipe Cookbook's version of thin and chewy chocolate chip cookies, and this week I was going to try their thick and chunky version. Unfortunately, I was on the phone as I started baking, and I started on the WRONG recipe (have you ever done that?!). 10 minutes into it, I realized I shouldn't be adding cocoa and melting chocolate to mix into normal choc. chip cookies however thick and chunky they are aiming to be. On investigation, sure enough. I had gone a page too far and was making double-chocolate cookies for which chips were only optional. Jeepers! By this time Tammy had arrived, so she helped me fake my way through the rest of the recipe, ad libbing when I didn't quite have what I needed.

So, fast forward a bit. We're industriously combining dominoes and cursing as the other players lay down uncovered doubles, when suddenly the fire alarm goes off. My first thought is that the cookies are burning, so I run to the oven while Javier runs down the hall to turn off the smoke detector. Except that it's NOT the smoke detector. It's the full building fire alarm, and it's blaring incessantly. We make a half-hearted start at evacuating, when a sheepish-looking neighbor peeks out from a very smoky doorway and says it's nothing to worry about. So we return to the game, endeavoring to tune out the grating noise. Another neighbor knocks on the door, informing us that the older folks downstairs called the fire department. So we return to our game, and before too long hear sirens, then slamming doors, then the hum of a high-power fan (to blow out the smoke).

Finally, FINALLY, the alarm turns off. Then turns back on for a few more minutes. Then goes off, replaced by the beautiful, resonant, precious sound of silence. I head out, cookies in tow, and offer them to the firemen and the neighbors. One of the firemen tells me that they're not really supposed to accept them (something weird about if other people see them accepting them or something??), but that doesn't stop them all from taking one and going on their merry way. I get a chance to talk a bit to the neighbors, which never happens, so hooray for near disasters!

Unfortunately, the evening did not end well: I did not win a single round of dominoes. What-the-dilly-o?!

misadventures

I often hear people say things like, "of course that would happen to me..." and as I've thought about it, I don't know that it's really unusual to think of oneself as an outsider to the general stream of humanity. For me it's been a variety of things: being a pastor's daughter, being a Christian, being part of a unique and dynamic (and wacky?!) family, or the cultural unawareness that comes with not watching many TV shows/R-rated movies. But it can be all sorts of things for folks, I think: medical conditions, physical characteristics, family story, whatever. It's like we think if that characteristic/set of characteristics were different, life would somehow be "normal". It took me quite a while to figure out that the majority of people feel like they're part of a unique minority for some reason or another.

Life for me has been fairly uneventful lately, not particularly by my choice. I had three awesome things lined up this weekend, and it was killing me that doing one meant missing the other two: my cousin Steve got married, my church did a mini-work trip in St. Louis, and it was Canoecopia in Madison. The wedding won out, but none of the plans I had made for it to be workable came through, so I ended up figuring that it just would have been pushing it too much to go. Then I got sick Thursday, and so watched hopes of St. Louis, and then Canoecopia dissipate. The funny thing is, I really have nothing to complain about - I got to watch the Badgers/hang out with friends yesterday, catch up with Amy on the phone and go rambling with Tammy today, get my hair cut tonight, and generally just clean and get caught up on rest and stuff. This is a dilemma I often face. Who likes complainers? I'm BUMMED - for real - that I missed out on those very-cool-marvelous-awesome things! And yet, how can I possibly, remotely have any valid reason for upsetness? If any of you have figured that one out, I'd seriously love to hear it. It's like after our apartment fire: it was majorly bitey to lose pretty much everything. But within a week, due to peoples' incredible generosity and the fact that I still had a job, I was back to having more possessions than probably 80% of the world can claim. What do you do with those conflicting emotions that somehow don't average out to any one feeling or perspective?

In light of these observations, here are a couple misadventures that I thought it'd be fun to share. I've back-posted them to the dates they occurred, but I'm hoping that with all of above as disclaimer, they won't sound too complainy! Notice I'm NOT claiming that, "of course, this WOULD happen to ME"... :)

Spilt Milk

Double Negatives

spilt milk

Once upon a time, I got into buying milk in glass bottles. Tastes better, less waste, kinda cool. All went swimmingly till one time when I carelessly put two half-gallon bottles in the back footwell of the car, never dreaming that those heavy bottles might clunk together and break. They did. Well - one did anyway. It was summer and I had a heckuva time cleaning up the mess, and dealing with the smell for the next few months. I foreswore milk in glass bottles for quite a while, but it was only a matter of time before their old-fashioned charm worked its magic on me and I was back to my old ways. This time, however, I was SMARTER. I bought this really cool wooden caddy that would hold 2 bottles side by side - making it easier for me to carry them, and harder for them to smash themselves into each other. I had learned from my carelessness, and was prepared to go singing off into to the sunset, intact milk bottles in tow.
Tonight, I was in a bit of a hurry and I plunked my (full) milk bottle caddy down on top of the crocs which were residing in the back footwell of my car (notice a theme developing here??). I wasn't too worried about it, because even if they weren't perfectly stable on the floor of my car, where else could they really go? And it's not like they could hit each other being in the caddy and all, right? Well, somehow - still don't know how exactly - they managed it. I was on my way to meet my friend Linda for dinner when I turned a corner (ok, a bit abruptly), and heard an ominous (that word's for you, Tammy!) cracking sound. I got to the parking lot, opened my door with great trepidation, and sure enough - the top of one of the bottles had sheared clean away. Dang it! At least this time, most of the milk was still in the bottle, but it was a frigid, windy night, so I had a heck of a time emptying the bottle, pulling out the crocs and floor mat (trying NOT to tip them!), sopping up what I could of the mess, and regrouping myself. I can't help but wonder if the glass was a tad flimsy, because as my frozen and sticky fingers tried to pick the broken bottle up from the pavement it broke again, and again, before I could get it back into my car. I headed into the restaurant to clean up and meet Linda (who was probably wondering what happened to me!). On my way back out to my car after dinner, I noticed that my right rear tire was nearly flat; so my time spent in the cold with frozen fingers was not quite done for the night! At least this job can be done with thin gloves on, so as I sent tire guage pieces flying around, fought for supremacy with the stiff air hose, argued with the little cap thingys about whether they really wanted to be on the tire stems, and re-filled all four tires with air, my fingers were not as cold as they might have been. I came away thinking, you know, these two incidents could really make me think of this as a terrible horrible no good very bad day, but that would probably be overly dramatic. It's been a good day - with two terrible, horrible, no good very bad incidents thrown in!

simple good

a weekend with Amy, Tim, Augusta, Chris and Sherman: sleeping in, breakfast at Delta Diner, skiing, hockey, and multiple birthday parties!

a weekend with friends: browsing music shops, drinking coffee, watching basketball (Wisconsin & Lawrence!), eating Indian and Korean, and staying up till 2 playing cards!






a weekend to chill: movies & bowling with friends, skiing, powerpoint for church, more wisconsin basketball, cake baking, and an improv concert with my small group






a mini-party at work to celebrate the 1-year birthday of our learning management system

Purple Flurry

So, I tried downhill this weekend! A first, at least since I was in 8th grade or something. Before this time around, here was how I considered it in comparison with my obsession with nordic (cross country).

• lovely adrenaline rush
• expensive (gear rental. K, this one isn't exactly fair - you have to either buy or rent for x-c also. Though x-c is cheaper)
• time consuming (you know how mountains are always further away than they appear? Ski-able hills in Wisconsin are like that too. Only you can't see them at all.)
• expensive (lift ticket)
• fun (chair lifts - hooray for all things escalate-y!)
• expensive (food)
  

A few things to note: at Granite Peak, near Wausau, there is no intermediate option for skiing. Once you skip exiting the chair lift at the half-way-up station, you're beyond the point of no return. It's all black diamonds to return to ground zero. Now I've been told, and am quite prepared to believe, that black diamond runs on hills in WI are laughable compared to black diamonds in real, live mountains. However, for a complete newbie, those things are still sufficient to help you learn things about yourself you never knew. For whatever reason, it doesn't help if conditions are moderately icy, or if you throw in the thick metal support poles for the chair lift into a narrow run.

So when Linda, Javier, and I spent a day at Granite Peak, I'm happy to report no major encounters with support poles, trees, or innocent bystanders. For Linda and Javier, this wasn't even a question: they both knew their skill level, and knew enough to challenge themselves appropriately. I, on the other hand, fell heaps of times, and REALLY biffed it three times. You know, the kind where you're going tail-over-tea kettle at high speed and need to simply relax and wait it out till you slow enough to plant a ski pole and hang on for dear life. Even so, I didn't really get hurt at all, till the last one when I sprained my thumb. That time, I was going super-fast, but not overly worried about it, till - well, I'm not exactly sure what happened but suddenly I was down, head-below-feet, and ramming pretty quickly toward a group of trees I had been about to try avoiding. Javier was ahead of me and says he couldn't say what happened, exactly; all he saw was a purple splotch blurring by. (I'm not sure why, really, I had to be the only one on all the slopes all day wearing a coat that color?!!). I did slow eventually, and was able to regather myself and my wits. No clue how my thumb managed to do that to itself, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn't take one more full-length run before we called it a day. Since then tooth-brushing and card shuffling have been a bit of a challenge, but given the circumstances I really don't think I have cause for complaint.

So, are you ready for the updated list, now that some experience is thrown in?

• insane lovely adrenaline rush; definitely a blast!
  
• expensive (gear rental. K, this one isn't exactly fair - you have to either buy or rent for x-c also. Though x-c is cheaper)
• time consuming (you know how mountains are always further away than they appear? Ski-able hills in Wisconsin are like that too. Only you can't see them at all.)
• expensive (lift ticket)
• fun (chair lifts - hooray for all things escalate-y! why don't they have these for x-c??)
• expensive (food)
• humbling
  
• great time with friends, great stuff to learn, and a lot less work than cross country!
  

Even with all that it has going for it, call me cheap, call me a chicken, but I'm thinking it might be a while before I next hit the slopes. Cross country is the life for me....

Then again, if you're going (and it's somewhere other than Granite Peak!), well, you know where to find me!