Thursday, October 07, 2004

money & Grandma

been thinking about attending the Blue Like Jazz conference. Torn between thinking it's probably a very selfish and expensive thing to do, and the desire to just... just go. Trying to (no really this time) figure out how to be responsible with money. Everything is so easy to justify and hard to say no to! And then I get mad at myself all over again for thinking things will make me happy.

Looking forward to visiting Grandma tomorrow. Lynnette's saying that her legs have been even worse recently. Gosh I love her. She's been so loving to me too lately; saying things that I somehow want to store up and hold onto. That she loves me. Thinks of me like a daughter. Or a friend. That she wishes I lived closer. It's just amazing to me that she really likes having me around as a companion, not just because I'm her granddaughter. I hope that I have her hope and gentleness of spirit when I'm her age. A few days ago I wrapped myself in her quilt and just bawled at the thought of losing her. Sometimes the collective loneliness and pain in the world overwhelm me when I think of how much I suffer with my little bit of it and then how much there is from people world-wide who have it much worse off than I.

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